


Opposition

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: Closeted Character, Humor, M/M, Violence, dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-10-30
Updated: 2007-10-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke's such a jerk, Naruto's such an idiot, they fight a lot, and totally aren't kissing because they like each other. Nope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Morning, Asshole!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So yeah. This is the start of my first Naruto fic. First one that counts, anyway. I know I kinda fail at referring to canon facts and timelines right now, but I'll get better as I progress through the series. :)

"How many times do I have to tell you not to leave these laying around?!"

Now, there were a million good reasons Sasuke could have interrupted Naruto's morning training, most of which pertained to ramen going cheap at his favorite stand, old lady Tsunade assigning them a super important mission where he could show off his mad skills, or even just to say a simple 'hello.' However, Sasuke wouldn't know simple if it bit him on the ass, and in about a minute, Naruto was going to summon something simply fanged so that could be arranged.

Getting underwear thrown in his face didn't count as a good disruption.

"What the hell, Sasuke?! I was in the middle of doing something and you ruined it!"

"Dawdling like a moron doesn't count as doing something, sorry," said Sasuke, expression cold, tone dripping with sarcasm. The very epitome of arrogance that made Naruto want to beat that fucker into dust every time he opened his mouth. Doubt the future Hokage's strength, will he?

"What if I said I was working on jutsu I'm gonna use to kick your ass?"

Sasuke flipped a kunai from his belt pouch. "Show me."

Likewise, Naruto pulled out his own weapon. "You ready?"

"Always."

They launched toward one another, unleashing combinations of taijutsu, the metal of their kunai clanking together. Chakra glowed between their fingertips as they exchanged blows, neither party giving way, nor preparing any formidable attacks they'd regret sapping chakra for later. Having daily missions chewing on the back of their minds always took the fun away, and every time that thought crossed their minds, they'd each catch the other's right fist as it came flying toward them, and it became a battle of will. Who would make the finishing move? Who would give up first? Would anyone come along and interrupt them?

The latter wasn't happening, so Sasuke's eyes caught the trunk of a tree.

"It's my turn," he whispered, shoving Naruto forward. He wanted that boy pinned to the bark beneath his palms.

But Naruto wasn't going to have that. "I don't think so. You're going down!"

"Idiot."

"Jerk."

Sasuke appeared to have taken the upper hand, his next shove sending his teammate hurling to the ground, and just when he was going to dive in for the kill, Naruto's foot hooked around his ankle, and he went flying back.

It was such a juvenile trick, and yet he couldn't help but curse himself for not predicting it. If only he'd used his sharingan.

But he didn't. And now Naruto had him pinned to the ground. Great.

"I win."

"Shut up."

"Admit it. I'm the best."

"You're annoying."

With each retort, their lips inched closer together, having already forgotten what they were fighting about. It was just routine now.

"I hate you."

"Not more than I hate you."

"No, more like much more."

"Much more times a thousand."

And before Sasuke could toss out the next retort, Naruto stopped it with his lips. Rough but sweet, the idiot wasn't a bad kisser. He may as well be talented in some field, thinks Sasuke, sliding his arms around the other boy's neck and deepening their kiss. He abused the blonde's lips with his tongue, forcing open his mouth and practically devouring him. Now it was a battle to see whose jaw would tire out first, neither planning to give way anytime soon. They rolled around on the ground, trying to gain some lead. They were just outside of the forest, and where nobody was out and about quite yet, getting caught was still pretty high on the list of possibilities.

That was another part of the challenge. Who'd get scared of being caught first? Naruto sure wasn't. Everyone hated him anyway; might as well drag Sasuke down with him. On the other hand, this display may ward off fangirls, which added to Sasuke's fervor.

So it truly did come down to who got tired first.

Or in Naruto's case, hungry. He lost his concentration and pulled back to rub his growling, empty belly, and didn't notice his error until he saw Sasuke smirking up at him.

Naruto - 1; Sasuke - 1. It was an even match today.

"Fine, you win. But you're still paying for breakfast!"

"That's just because you're broke."

"Am not."

"Whatever."

They stomped back into square, refusing to look at one another, yet keeping a even, synchronized pace all the way to the ramen stand. And Naruto wasn't broke; he was just going to prove his superiority to Sasuke by eating the most ramen. Losers have to pay, after all.

\--- 

"Seconds!" they barked simultaneously.

And as soon as the bowls reached the counter, up went the chopsticks.

"Ittadakimasu!"

"There you two are! I've been looking all over the place for you guys."

Both heads turned to see Sakura, who headed in with a yawn. It really was too early in the morning.

"Good morning, Sakura-chan," said Naruto, waving happily to her. Unlike Sasuke, she was always a sight for sore eyes.

"You call that breakfast, Naruto?" she asked, taking a seat on the other side of Sasuke. Of course, this was Naruto, whose life practically revolved around ramen, and around being the next Hokage. He was so simple-minded, unlike Sasuke, who was too cool to for words. So much so, she ignored the fact that he, too, was scarfing down ramen for breakfast.

"Why don't you order some? He's treating," said Naruto, pointing his thumb toward Sasuke. The dark-haired boy glared at Mr. Dead Last as if he were a pest that was about to get squashed. Naruto stuck his tongue out, totally acting his age; sixteen going on six.

"N-no, I'm on a diet," said Sakura, blushing, then averting her gaze to her hands, Sasuke, the counter, Sasuke, the ceiling, Sasuke. Naruto frowned, thinking that she had such horrible taste, totally ignoring the fact that he and Sasuke were...

Well.

He didn't quite know.

But he did know he was a better kisser than Sasuke, and that he liked to prove it every day. He just wished he could tell that to Sakura without looking like a homo, which he wasn't. Really.

"You don't need to be on a diet, Sakura-chan. Just eat."

As he placed his own bowl in front of her, her stomach gave a hefty rumble, giving her away. There was no arguing this any farther. She picked up her chopsticks and ate slowly.

"I'll just mooch off of this guy, then." Naruto pulled Sasuke's bowl toward him and started eating.

"Hey!" Sasuke pulled it back and started eating as well.

Sakura watched as the two of them stuffed their faces, wondering why Sasuke didn't just order another bowl. He could afford it; her Sasuke wasn't a bum. Although, he and Naruto did fight over the strangest, stupidest things. She'd admit that much, at least.

When they got down to the last noodle, each end was caught in their lips, and they were glaring at eat other.

_You bite it._

_No, you._

And Sakura wondered how close their lips were going to get before that stupid Naruto stole Sasuke's second kiss. Oh, if only she knew that Naruto stole so many more than that. Just not in public, like this, where everyone was staring at them.

They were only a few centimeters apart when Kakashi walked in, nose buried in a book as he broke that noodle in half with his finger.

"You're late, Kakashi-sensei," said Sakura with a sigh of relief. Sasuke's 'second' kiss was saved! But not for long.

"Oh boy! Oh boy! We haven't got a mission I could kick some ass on in awhile."

"Calm down, Naruto," said Sasuke, trying too look all awesomely cool with his apathy. Normally that attitude would put Naruto off, but this mission involved assassins, and protecting pretty girls, and they would get paid a bundle for it.

The only bad part was, he and Sasuke'd have to share a room at an inn along the way, because where they were heading was quite a ways off. He'd just have to make that rat bastard sit there and listen to him talk about his greatness, which he was full of. Maybe he'd further prove how better a kisser he was. Oh, if only he could show Sakura-chan.

He was being acknowledged as the great ninja he was. Finally Konoha's got some common sense.

"I'm ready!"

T B C


	2. Sasuke's Warped Sense of Gayhem

It often occurred to Sasuke that he was infatuated with a complete dumbass, and he felt like taking a kunai to the head for it.

That heavy sensation in his gut wasn't his lungs collapsing, or his ribs being crushed. He couldn't really define it, and preferred to ignore it when he could. Naruto went to great lengths to get him back in Konoha; he won. He proved that they were equals on the battlefield.

Only equals. Only on the battlefield. That's as far as Sasuke would ever accept, because really. Being one-upped by a complete ass was shameful, and Sasuke was anything but now.

He wouldn't be where he was without the guy. Sasuke was cursed to have a constant entity in Naruto for the rest of his life. The exuberant boy called it friendship, but Sasuke called it madness. He was mad for choosing this idiot as his important person. One of them, anyway.

_POOF._

Speaking of which, it's Idiot Time with Dobe-sama. Where's his book? He would need to hit himself (and Naruto) in the head with it repeatedly for a few hours.

"Why are you doing that?" grumbled Sasuke. Yes, Naruto could take out an entire band of criminals single-handedly, and yes, he could pound a mountain-sized beast into it's grave with one Rasengan and the usual spiel about becoming the next Hokage (you've got to be a bit more than a below-average Chuunin for that, Dead Last) whoopdee-damn-do. But nary was there a sight more painful than this one, if only because of how... stupid it was.

"Tee hee, what's the matter, Sasuke- _kuuun_? Don't you wanna play with me?" 'Naru _ko_ ' blew a kiss at him.

"Not even in the slightest."

"Spoilsport."

Of course, Sasuke was well aware that having a busty, blonde bimbo stark naked in the middle of any other guy's room would be his dream come true, but let's be real. Sasuke was hardly any other guy. He had class. He had dignity. And he preferred flat chests.

Err.

We'll just pretend he didn't think that.

"You know, Sasuke, you've always had about a million girls fawning over you. Why not just _pick_ one already?" asked Naruto.

Okay, so he had a point. Sasuke was old enough. He could start reproducing anytime now, and he'd have plenty of girls lined up for the job. According to Naruto (not that Sasuke ever listened to him), all this sex was something all the other guys'd be jealous of. Tch, whatever.

Sasuke would have to pick carefully. He didn't want his children to be morons, weaklings, defects, or anything that would disappoint his fallen clan in the slightest. It had to be absolutely perfect. Yes. That's exactly why Sasuke had been putting this off for so long.

However, his lips were still a bit swollen from where he and Naruto'd been 'fighting' earlier. He knew it wasn't generally in the norm for a man to kiss another to prove his superiority, but all areas had to be covered. All of them. And that's all there was to it, really. If Sasuke wasn't going to be a better fighter, he was going to be better at everything else, damn it!

But damn if girls could do any better than that loser. Maybe Sakura could? Maybe. Dead Last would be on her tail, though, but Sasuke already had the advantage of her Eternal Crush, so that wouldn't really be proving anything.

Sakura, however, was out of the question. But did he really talk to any other girls? Nah. Finding one in general wasn't the hard part. The hard part was finding one worthy to aid in restoring his clan.

Then again, Sakura was pretty smart. Very smart. Their children would undoubtedly inherit the very best traits in both of them, bar one. He didn't want to risk being the start of the new pink-haired Uchiha clan. It would undoubtedly clash with the Sharingan. Hell, the hair may even be so pink that it pinks up the Sharingan. And who would take the Uchiha clan seriously then? Nobody, that's who! Sasuke wanted Itachi to be rolling in his grave, not laughing in it.

Sasuke had a lot of thinking to do. And what was that fly suddenly buzzing in his ear?

_Smack._

_CRASH._

"Oy! What'd you do that for, fucker!?" bellowed Naruto, lodged upside down in a tangle of limbs between two halves of a dresser. Looks like Kakashi-sensei would be paying extra for this inn again, and he specifically told them not to break anything this time. Kakashi should know better than to stick them in a room alone together anyway. If worse came to worse, Sasuke'd just point his finger at Naruto and the idiot'd get struck by a thousand years of pain, or something. It was his fault for interrupting Sasuke while he was in the middle of trying to answer the question.

"I was giving your question some thought. Pardon me for having a brain," Sasuke grumbled, rolling his eyes as Naruto brushed the woodchips from the dresser off of his sleeves. _Oh yes, brush them_ all _over the futon where I'm supposed to sleep. Waking up with a body full of splinters is always fun._

"Your brain broken, or something? You completely spaced out. I thought you were dead for a minute there. Not that I'd mind." And he topped that little rant off with a _'harrumph'_ , then cracked an eye open when Sasuke's retort didn't come. He waited all of five seconds before plopping himself next to his best friend-rival-whatever. Scratch that. Sasuke was not a 'whatever'. Since Itachi's death, though, he didn't really know what he was. A wandering piece of flesh that sucked air? That seemed reasonable enough. Not to mention he was better than Naruto and everyone else at everything, but that went without saying.

"Ne, Sasuke, if your brain's not broken now, it's going to be if you keep this up. Maybe you shou-"

Sasuke shut that inane rambling up with a kiss. Really, it was the best thing they'd ever decided was okay between them because it was the only time Naruto ever stopped talking. And, well, it wasn't so bad, really. He shouldn't be wasting his time on guys, but it was hardly as if Naruto of all people could stand in the way of his intentions. Been there. Tried that. Nothing doing. It was nice to know he had a friend to return to in the end, several, in fact. Sakura counted as a friend. If only it weren't for the pink hair.

It never occurred to Sasuke that the appearance of the Uchiha was going to be so important. His brain spent a good majority of time in Kill Itachi Land. Now that Itachi was no more, he had other goals to fulfill. Funny, he thought this'd be the easy part.

Naruto was counted out of the rankings for potential mom. Even if he did have that Sexy no Jutsu thing, it was just too weird. The idea of Naruto pregnant made him want to hurl.

"Ugh!" Sasuke felt the need to pretend he was scrubbing his brain. Not that it did anything to drive away that mental image.

"What's wrong? You got diarrhea, or something?"

 _My mind sure does._ "No, stupid!"

"Just asking, geez."

"Dumbass."

"Bastard."

And it continued on like that for quite some time, until Kakashi and Sakura wandered in, not in the least bit surprised to find them bickering. Some things never change.

"Whose fault was that?" asked Kakashi, referring to the two hunks of firewood and pile of toothpicks that once resembled a dresser. He looked mildly surprised. Usually "break nothing" translates into "okay, maybe two or three" when it comes to those two. One dresser was a valiant feat.

When met with Kakashi's gaze, Sasuke and Naruto pointed at each other.

"Figures." He pulled out his book and buried his nose in it, heading for the door without as much as a hint toward what he may be thinking. "In any case, we've got to get moving. The mission starts at midnight."

"Yosh, time to go kick some ass!" shouts Naruto, hopping to his feet with his fists pumped into the air. He had a grin a mile wide on his face and was currently rubbing the stubble on his chin, trying to look cool for Sakura. Sasuke knew he'd go after her because he always did. And, as usual, his attempts at impressing her were met with scorn. Although, Sasuke didn't miss the... _soft_? look in Sakura's eyes after she'd struck the blonde across the head. She must have gradually become amused by Naruto's sad attempts sometime throughout the years, perhaps even a bit more than amused.

_Oh._

Good.

Sasuke didn't want pink-haired spawn anyway. Finding another girl was going to be hell, though. Finding one that might understand why she may walk in on something two males-best friends, rivals, and professional ninja at that-generally didn't do was going to be even more hell. Well, no. Sakura probably would freak out, too, but he had adapted to her moods, so she was by far the easiest to deal with.

The solution? He'd figure that part out later. For now, mission time, beat the hell out of someone, fix one of Naruto's stupid mistakes just to piss him off, ignore Sakura, and head off to bed. He'd do the same tomorrow while he was at it.

Life was good. For now.

T B C

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Itachi just had to let the gay one live, huh?
> 
> Okay, I want to make something clear. This isn't meant to be a Sakura-bashing fic. I know I pick on her, but I pick on all of them! Especially poor Sasuke, yikes. Hell, if I included Rock Lee and Gaara (my two favorite characters) I'd be mean to them, too, but only out of love. I like Sakura, so yeah. She's not safe from lolful jabs, but she is safe from scorn. I'm not a fan of serious character-bashing anyway. I think it's stupid.
> 
> Anyways, to be honest, I have no clue where this fic's going. It's really something I'm writing on a whim out of boredom and to get a proper handle on the characters. What I'm really hoping for is some con crit to help sway my writing into a good direction. New fandom jitters. Eep.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys. :)


	3. Fag Hag: aka We Love You Sakura

Emotions were funny things. Very funny.

Funny things, Sai came to realize, were very difficult to draw. 

Okay, so he got some laughs when he drew a penisless Naruto. It seemed to have fallen into the hands of some evil children, which fell into the hands of some older children, which fell into the hands of Sakura, who promptly struck him in the head. She didn't find him very funny, but the rest of the village seemed to. Sai didn't understand the laughter. The drawing was a mere theory.

Speaking of theories, Sai had another one cooking up beneath the lead of his pencil. He had asked-rather paid Konohamaru a fair sum of money-to put his interesting new jutsu to good use and transform into Sasuke and Naruto for him. Sai thought a drawing of this'd be a nice present for Sakura's birthday. After all, she was a fag hag.

"How much longer do I have to hold this?" 'Naruto' asked, seeing as he was the one on top and in the most uncomfortable position imaginable. Sai read somewhere that fag hags tend to like the bottom boys more, so Sasuke, being Sakura's favorite, was on the bottom. He wanted to get their anatomy juuust right, well, aside from their 'sizes.' That little detail needed to be altered. Turns out, Naruto's was bigger than Sasuke's. Imagine Sai's surprise, heh, but he drew Sasuke's larger anyway, because Sakura would like that more.

Sai told 'Naruto' to quit squirming, and that this wouldn't take too much longer. Somehow, after an hour of being told that, Konohamaru couldn't bring himself to believe it anymore. Using this jutsu for an extended period of time not only sapped Konohamaru's chakra, but it made him feel, well, exposed, like he in his normal form was naked on top of, say, Udon, or something, which was a really gross thought. Girls were such perverts!

Finally, Sai put down his pencil.

"Hmm," he said, turning his drawing toward the younger boys, err, boy. "Do you think I made Sasuke's penis big enough?"

Konohamaru, in _NaruSasu_ no Jutsu form, took one look at that and paled. 'Sasuke' went _POOF_ bye-bye, and 'Naruto' went _POOF_ back into Konohamaru, and damn did he look disturbed.

So disturbed, he took his money and vowed to never, ever, ever, _EVER_ use that jutsu again. Naruto-niichan was going to kill him for sure.

\---

Birthdays often went forgotten in Team Seven.

Sasuke and Naruto spent most of their lives getting nothing and celebrating nothing, and naturally continued to do so. In turn, that meant they didn't give a flying turd about anyone else's birthday, which was kind of a downer, especially when they were on missions.

Today's mission had been especially long, tiring, and ridiculous, and the long walk back only made it worse. It made Sakura consider ditching her team to work in the hospital. It was the only place she ever felt needed and, truth be told, being around the boys was a difficult thing these days. There was something there that she just wasn't seeing. In the very beginning, it was mostly the power issue, but Sakura was more than powerful enough to lend a helping hand now. She'd gone one-on-one with a member of Akatsuki and won, so she'd just like to see either of them dare to insinuate that she was the weakest link now.

Somehow, she wasn't getting that impression from either of them. It was as if she were doing a jigsaw puzzle, and she just couldn't seem to get all of the pieces to fit, no matter how hard she tried.

Those two. They argued about everything. It was exactly as it was when they were younger, before Itachi returned, before Orochimaru beckoned, yet it was different. It was as if, as if they found comfort in their bickering. A language only the two of them spoke, and Sakura felt like a third wheel whenever she tried to intervene.

She loved Sasuke so much, and didn't fail to recall his initial goals for a single day. Itachi was dead. That's one of Sasuke's goals checked off. The next was restoring the clan, which Sakura thought she was a shoe-in for.

But he hadn't chosen her yet. He hadn't chosen anyone. He couldn't have possibly forgotten, but considering all that happened, maybe his objectives...

Sakura shook her head. Sasuke's objectives were his own. Whatever he chose to do, Sakura couldn't control. That's just the way it was.

Still, Naruto was getting awfully chummy with him lately, which put a sour, envious taste in her mouth. Those two were really something else. She never got why they appeared to hate each other so much, yet were so bound to one another you could swear they were almost like-like star-crossed lovers, or something.

When she laughed at the thought, Naruto asked her what was so funny, and she quickly thought of a terrible joke Ino told her. Naruto wasn't impressed, but he believed her. Sometimes, him being an idiot came in handy.

"Ne, Sakura-chan! When we get back let me walk you home." He cast a pointed smirk in Sasuke's direction that made Sakura want to hurl him right into the ground. She so did not need this, especially on her birthday!

If she didn't know any better, Sakura could have sworn Sasuke's ears had a pinkish tint to them. Then again...

"I'll go, too," said Sasuke, without turning to face them. She was just about to turn down Naruto's request, but that would mean turning down Sasuke, as well. After all, they were joined at the hip. If her Sasuke time had to have Naruto, she supposed it was better than no Sasuke time at all.

She took Sasuke's hand, and Naruto took her other. For once, she felt like she was at the center of the world, and thought that she was dreaming. Of course, for this to be a proper dream, Sasuke would have to be smiling just a bit more, and Naruto talking a lot less. In fact, she felt a bit like erasing Naruto altogether. Why, she hadn't felt this possessive over Sasuke since Ino had a crush on him! Sakura didn't know how Chouji of all people managed to nail a bitch like Ino, but Sakura sure had to thank him for it. They were almost friends again because of it. Ino had to apologize for all those forehead insults first, though.

"It's her birthday," muttered Sasuke to the guards once they reached Konoha's gates. Both hands fell from Sakura's once the guards didn't seem to buy it and proceeded to snicker. On one hand, it was nice that they remembered for once. On the other, they didn't have to release her so abruptly. She almost felt as if she'd been severed from them once again. It stung in the back of her throat, but she did her damnedest to keep the tears at bay. She cried far less than she used to, and wanted to keep it that way, if only for her own sake.

"Sorry, Sakura-chan. Kakashi-sensei was giving us this look and it seemed like the right thing to do," Naruto amended, as if he could read her mind. He'd been doing quite a bit of that lately. She wondered how she could make it stop.

"I forgot he was even there," said Sakura. True, he was silent, taking up the rear on their journey back home. It wasn't like they were doing anything wrong. In fact, the three of them hand-in-hand-in-hand in fairy land ought to be his dream come true, what with all the talk of 'teamwork'.

That man was simply impossible.

"I'll treat you ramen later if you want."

"It's fine, Naruto." And she meant it. No more missions, apologies, or ramen for the rest of the day. Need sleepy. And if she was lucky, maybe Ino or Lee-san left her a birthday card. It's the best she could ever ask for really.

What she hadn't expected when she reached her doorstep was a gift wrapped in brown paper. Normally her parents were the only ones who gave her gifts anymore, but she was happily wearing the new sandals they'd bought for her at the moment.

The tag on the front read "From Sai" and Sakura blushed. They hadn't seen each other for a weeks, and hardly ever did at all since Sasuke's return. It was very sweet of him to remember her birthday, let alone leave her a gift.

"Ooooh, what's that? What's that?" asked Naruto, glancing over her shoulder.

"We won't know until she opens it, idiot," said Sasuke which, predictably, set off Naruto. While the two of them had their angry little spat, Sakura carefully undid the wrapping and slid what appeared to be the back of a picture frame, which probably had one of his drawings inside.

A card fell from the package, but before Sakura thought to pick it up, she couldn't seem to contain her curiosity. The thought of Sai drawing something especially for her made her feel like this day was going to turn out great after all.

Once she turned it around, it took all of maybe five seconds for the picture's content to sink in before the first drop of blood dripped from her nose, and the first tear slid down her cheek. She pressed the framed drawing to her bosom, opened her front door, and slammed it right behind her as hard as she could.

That slam knocked the boys from their trance, and once they realized there were drops of blood where Sakura had been standing a moment ago, something smelled fishy.

"She must have dropped that," said Sasuke, pointing toward the card.

Naruto couldn't just be a good boy and place it in her mailbox, or slide it under her door. He just had to let his curiosity get the better of him. After all, he'd spotted Sai's name on the package, and if there's one thing Naruto knew, it was that Sai was never up to any good. Ever.

His suspicions were only confirmed upon opening the card.

'Happy Birthday, Fag Hag :)'

T B C


	4. Run For Your Lives

Now, Uzumaki Naruto wasn't the sharpest kunai in the pouch. He often said and did stupid, impulsive things that had him dancing on death's doorstep, and it took a strong hand or three to pull him away.

Sasuke, however, found himself unopposed to Naruto's blind rage. After all, pink as her hair was, Sakura was their girl. When their girl was done wrong, somebody paid the price.

Sasuke stood back, arms crossed and scowling as Naruto bashed and clawed at Sai's door. He could have sworn he saw a flash of red in his partner's eyes. Dragging the Kyuubi into this seemed a little too, well, over-the-top. Then again, Naruto knew this jerk a lot better than he did, and from what he knew, Sasuke wasn't fond of him.

The door opened, and, as usual, Sai was smiling that unique Sai Smile that said, "Kick Me, I'm an Asshole."

Naruto preferred punch, however, but Sai blocked the first strike with practiced ease. Figures.

"Hiya," said Sai.

"What did you do to Sakura-chan, you fucking jerk!" bellowed Naruto, throwing another fist out that Sai thwapped away with a snort. He made cross between a snort and a giggle when Naruto fell back into Sasuke. Neither boy at his doorstep was remotely amused, however. What a shame.

"I take it you wanted me to draw yours larger, Naruto-kun."

Sasuke looked beyond confused, not quite knowing that when Sai stated that something was 'larger', it usually pertained toward the male anatomy. Naruto would have a vague idea of what Sai was getting at, if only the word 'penis' wasn't suddenly engraved on the forefront of his brain.

"You drew my penis and gave it to Sakura-chan?" Naruto's expression was the bastard love child of mortification and disgust.

"Didn't she show you?" asked Sai, completely unfazed by the thousands of ways Naruto was killing him in his eyes. "I guess not. She must have wanted to keep it all to herself. She is a selfish hag."

Sai, of course, meant that in the most loving way possible, but insults were never a loving thing in Naruto's perfect world.

Before Naruto could pounce, however, Sakura appeared. Each hand clasped to Naruto and Sasuke's shoulders, and she shoved the two boys out of the way. She wore a sunny expression to match Sai's, which dropped to the pits of Hell the next instant. Sai didn't even notice until it was too late.

When she smacked him, the sound of impact caused Sasuke and Naruto to quiver horribly. Neither of them had plans to piss her off anytime soon. When they gathered the balls to look, they wondered which canvas and piece of furniture Sai's body _didn't_ fly through. 

Just when they thought the facetious boy had died on impact, he spoke. "I can't believe I fell for that again." He lifted himself from the debris, smiling away as if it was the only way he knew how to handle himself in this kind of situation. "Was my gift flawed in some way, sweet angel?"

She was only 'Sweet Angel' when he was about to die, of course.

"No, it was just _perfect_ ," said Sakura, her voice dripping with more venom than the best of Shizune's needles as she cracked her fists. "In fact, it was _so_ good, you and I are going to celebrate."

"I'm not a party guy." Sai turned, and Sasuke and Naruto got a clear view of the red hand print that was undoubtedly throbbing on his left cheek. He was still smiling, though. How disturbing could this guy get?

"You are now. Grab your cash. You're taking me to the most expensive restaurant in Konoha and buying me dinner."

"Hmm, I don't see why your birthday party should be my r-"

"NOW!"

He went to gather his cash, and Sakura stood, arms crossed and tapping her foot. She was cranky, tired, smelled bad, and Sai had done nothing but make this the worst possible day of her life. She was going to do something, anything, to take her frustrations out out him and make him _feel_ it.

"Sakura-chan, are you forcing Sai to take you on a date?" asked Naruto. It was probably wise to stay out of this, but he simply couldn't contain his curiosity sometimes.

She ignored him. "And if you EVER call me a fag hag again, I'll-" Naruto and Sasuke sneaked the hell out before she could finish.

"It was nice knowing you, man."

The two boys fled as far as the bridge, both figuring that Sakura had a better handle on the situation than either of them possibly could have, wanting in no way to become involved further. Sure, she wasn't anything special on the battlefield, but damn, when she was angry, she was scary.

Sasuke had to consider, if all their children were as scary as she was, pink would become the most vastly feared color in the five great countries. That could be a pretty good jump start for the new Uchiha Clan, actually.

Itachi would still be laughing in his grave, though, and that was a problem.

"I never failed to mention that Sakura's gotten pretty fierce since you've been gone, have I?"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," grumbled Sasuke. Naruto glared, but didn't retort. He really didn't have it in him at the moment.

"I can't believe he drew my penis. I mean, he probably made it all small, and ugly, which it totally isn't. No wonder she's so upset. In fact, I feel like going back over there and-"

"No," said Sasuke.

"What?"

"No," he said again. He really didn't know why he cared, or why he felt his body temperature increase all of a sudden. Crap.

"Are you blushing, Sasuke?"

That earned Naruto a one way trip into the river via punch. When Naruto emerged, his grumpy teammate was no longer anywhere to be seen.

"Bastard."

T B C


	5. REM, Reprimiendo El Manlove-O

There were nights where Sasuke awoke in a cold sweat. Most of the time, he dreamed of his past. Sometimes, he dreamed of fatal harm befalling his teammates. There was seldom a happy dream to ever breach his gates of darkness. 

This night, he awoke panting in a cold sweat, complete with the beginnings of a stiffy, nausea, and a disgruntled disposition. He wanted to scream, thinking he had somehow become knocked up, which was utterly ridiculous considering his man parts. In all his sixteen years he hadn't once done it, but the dream he had last night sure suggested otherwise.

It went a little something like this.

_Hi! I am Sasuke's brain, but you can call me Bob. Welcome to one of my episodes where I plague Sasuke's life with angst and woe._

_However, I've decided to take a more humorous turn with this one, seeing as there's only so much pure angst a brain can take before I accidentally go too far and convince him that selling his body for power is the Right Thing. Boy was_ that _a mistake! Orochimaru was, well, lets not get into that._

_A recent infatuation of Sasuke's has come to my attention, however. He can't seem to erase his beloved eye candy from me, a sloppy dumbass by the name of Uzumaki Naruto (eh, I preferred that Neji girl myself.) Heh, but keep telling me you hate Naruto and aren't remotely attracted to him, Sasuke-kun. My little vessel's fallen in loooove. Oh where, oh where has the time gone?_

_But anyway, while he's in the REM stage of sleep this particular night, I have decided to do something truly awful for my personal amusement. Here, you take one part Naruto, another part Sexy no Jutsu, some Sharingan, a room full of crying children, and two very pregnant 'mommies', and you get, well, the true answer to all of Sasuke's problems with restoring the clan._

_Of course, he's way too stupid to accept that. He still thinks he's going to choose a girl. HA! My vessel is about as gay as the entire_ Prince of Tennis _cast tap dancing on rainbows. Yes, I watch anime and Sasuke doesn't. Don't ask me how that's possible because I'm done here. I hate you all because you killed my family, or something._

_Sasuke's brain, a.k.a. Bob, is the izz-out! Peace, home slices._

Visions from the previous night's dream rendered Sasuke physically ill and shaken. He was completely ignoring the fact that it made perfect sense. I mean, blond Uchihas, or pink-haired Uchihas? But the blond in question was Uzu-fuckin'-maki Naruto. There was no mistaking him for Ino, or whatsherface from the Sand. No, Naruto's blond was very distinct.

Sasuke wanted to throw up.

He couldn't recall why their lips met for the first time. According to his selective memory, it was an accident. All accidents were Naruto's fault, you see. No exceptions. The second kiss was a challenge. Naruto lost, of course, because Dead Last always loses. All the ones that followed were all challenges, or a method to seal his teammate's flapping jaw shut. He was so stupid. There was only so much Sasuke could take.

What was he doing, wasting his time on this dumb shit when he had a clan to restore? The more he waited, the less options he had in the female department. Surely there was some girl out there that met his standards: quiet, silent, taciturn, not obsessive, doesn't touch him unless it's necessary, and doesn't have a shade of hair that won't tickle Itachi's funny bone from six feet down under.

He didn't know any girls like that (rather, he chose to believe that he didn't.) And that girl especially was not Naruto. Just... he would kill Naruto for that Sexy no Jutsu garbage. All the horrid visions that plagued his mind with was the very reason he had a waste basket tucked under his chin since he woke up.

It was a little after three in the morning, and he wasn't getting back to sleep. There was something on the inside that was laughing at him, and it would continue to laugh throughout the night.

He decided to head out for a walk, never mind that the only thing he had on was a pair of pajama pants. He just needed enough out time to get some fresh air and cool off. After all, the fetal position was disgraceful for the sole survivor of the Uchiha Clan. He needed to be calm, composed, and awesomely cool. That was the Uchiha way.

The places he passed by totally only pertained to Naruto by coincidence. The ramen stand, the bridge, the hospital, all a coincidence. But the biggest coincidence of them all was stopping in front of Naruto's apartment. Imagine that. Now it's time to turn around and head back to bed.

Only, Sasuke chose to head up to his idiot teammate's apartment window instead. It was wide open, and Sasuke could hear Naruto's snores penetrate the air. The guy snored, drooled, and had blankets and pillows kicked all over the place. Yeah, that was the picture of grace. Sasuke frowned and directed his eyes toward the unkempt floor. How did the moron live like this? Oh, right, this is Naruto we're talking about.

Sasuke hopped to the side of Naruto's bed in a flash and stared down at him. His night shirt scrunched up the slightest bit, making his navel and belly muscles visible to the world. Sasuke swallowed and turned away, his cheeks totally not on the verge of burning from the sight. His friend was a big mess of limbs and drool in his sleep. This sight was in no way attractive.

But Sasuke pressed his lips to those noisy, salivating lips of Naruto's anyway, and his stomach and chest suddenly wanted to explode with this weird, tingly pressure. It was just the lust, the lust that came with the desire to keep this idiot quiet. It wasn't, wasn't like Sasuke lov-liked Naruto, or anything.

There was a dark place inside of Sasuke (whose name may or may not start with a 'B') that was laughing at him. Really exploding with laughter over his current ailment. Enraged, Sasuke really didn't know who to take his frustration out on other than Naruto, so he pounded his fist right into the moron's gut.

On reflex, Naruto's fist came flying into Sasuke's face, sending him crashing across the room. He eventually landed against the kitchen counter, only breaking a few things with his body on the way.

"Who the hell did that!? You'd better not be here to steal my ramen 'cause I'll-"

"It's just me, stupid!" said Sasuke, picking himself up from the debris and rubbing his abused cheek. Naruto sure had a good left hook, well, for a total loser.

"Oh, hey Sasuke!" said Naruto, then his face fell into a disgruntled frown. "What'd you hit me for? I was having a dream about pretty girls feeding me ramen and you ruined it!"

"Cry me a river," grumbled Sasuke, feeling no sympathy. After all, if Sasuke's dreams can't be remotely normal, neither can Naruto's. That's just the way it had to be.

Moments of awkward silence started to build. Between Naruto's curious gaze and Sasuke's lack of anything truthful to say, it was truly a difficult position to be in. Something within Sasuke was betraying him and everything that was morally correct in his life. No matter how unattractive, how ridiculous, how stupid and annoying and nerve-wracking Naruto was, all Sasuke could do is stand there and try to refrain from blushing like a girl. He wasn't a girl, and he certainly wasn't going to turn into one and use that as a method to restore his clan. It just wasn't on. Pink-haired Uchihas were less ridiculous.

Everything inside of Sasuke knew that the last thing he wanted to do was have sex with Sakura. Problem was, that was the only girl he could see himself coming within a fifty mile radius of. This was a problem. Being a homosexual was a hazard to the restoration of the Uchiha Clan.

And Itachi knew that. That's right, Itachi made him this way because everything was Itachi's fault. If Sasuke could revive his brother, he'd make sure the bastard spent his last precious moments choking on dick, just to see how he liked it.

In the midst of all this contemplation, Sasuke didn't notice that he was trembling violently, sitting on Naruto's bed, or letting the guy pat his back. The hell? Sasuke hopped away in an instant and growled.

"Don't touch me! I'm not-"

The window was right there. He could leave. He didn't need Naruto to treat him like a weeping girl, not that he was acting like one or anything. What's more, he didn't need to become one. The solution to ending a problem is to separate himself from it. If he's no longer with Naruto, he can't very well be attracted to him, can he? However, what's to say there aren't other fish in the sea? Male fish, at that! He spent too much time with Orochimaru. Yes. Clearly this was his horrible influence. And Itachi's, because, once again, everything was Itachi's fault.

Well, Sasuke would just have to fight the influence of those bastards, huh?

"You're not what?" Naruto frowned. "What's your problem, stupid?"

Don't start with the pet names, now. Not that blatant insults have become pet names between them. "... Nothing. I'm leaving."

"Hey, wait!"

But Sasuke did not wait. His solution to all of his problems was to huddle into his lonely little corner and pray they disappear. Not that it ever worked, but it's where he felt most comfortable. Those prying blue eyes did nothing but mess Sasuke all up inside.

Sasuke decided that blue was no longer his favorite color.

So there.

Not that it helped any.

T B C


	6. Here Comes the Sun (Do-Do-Do-D... I'll shut up.)

When Naruto awoke for what felt like the 50th time, he decided that he hated everything in the world. He couldn't choose what he hated most at the moment, though. There was that horrible bright sun beating down on his face, for one. There was also that annoying pain he still felt below his rib cage where Sasuke had bruised him (apparently the Kyuubi decided to sit hyper-healing this one out, the ruthless bastard!) And there was also a rapping at his door, the current reason for him being launched from blissful sleep.

Whoever the hell that was, this had better be important. Anywhere from Sakura begging for his love to Sasuke admitting what a douche he truly was would suffice.

However, when a pair of monstrous eyebrows was the first thing to meet his groggy line of vision, this immediately registered in the category of unimportance. He was sorely tempted to slam the door on Rock Lee, but he wasn't a jerk like Sasuke, so he'd at least hear what the guy had to say before doing that.

"Yo, fuzzy eyebrows," said Naruto, his demeanor a picture of sleepless hell, complete with eye baggage that could rival Sabaku no Gaara's. Well, no, maybe not quite that bad. We'll just say that's how he felt.

This obvious turmoil didn't seem register in Lee's mind, as he clearly had something more important to address. With an ecstatic grin, Lee wasted no time in clapping the sluggish Chuunin's shoulder with one hand while giving Naruto a thumbs up with the other. His large, white teeth reflected the light of the sun Naruto hated so much right now.

Lee wasted no time in explaining his sudden appearance. "I have fantastic news, Naruto-kun! Hokage-sama assigned me the task of leading three of our finest to Sunagakure for an important month-long mission concerning the progression of the Kazekage and insisted that you be on the band of shinobi that's to accompany me."

Huh? Something about the old lady and sand cakes. Could this asshole turn down the glint in his grin some, maybe? Naruto hadn't even gotten his first bowl of ramen yet.

His stomach growled. "So hungry- say that again, brows?"

"Naruto-kun!" Lee decided to turn up his volume, and if Naruto didn't know any better, he'd say the exuberant man before him had summoned a backdrop of flames. Lee was flailing about now, not that it did anything to catch Naruto's attention. He was currently occupied by a large crack in the floor, wondering if the one in Sasuke's head were as big. "You're to accompany two shinobi and myself to Sunagakure via Hokage-sama's request." He jutted his finger west and the Flames of Youth were now in his eyes.

After a few moments of that display, Naruto decided that now would be a good time to slam the door. None of what Lee said had registered because all Naruto could think about at the moment was how badly he wanted to go back to bed.

Just as Naruto reached up to slam the door shut, Lee's hands braced themselves on either side of the frame in and instant. Leave it to his legendary reflexes. At least the stupid flames were gone, now. "She would like for us to head out in a few hours if possible. Please get packing right away, as I need to find two other willing candidates to bring along as soon as possible," Lee concluded with a soft smile.

Naruto wouldn't respond, and then it finally occurred to Lee that he wasn't acting quite like himself. It must have been a trick! A clone? A spy!? This spy knew of their mission, now. Oh, Gai-sensei was going to be so disappointed with Lee's careless slip.

Lee had no choice but to beat the crap out of this doppelganger Naruto to make sure he kept quiet.

A few minutes later, Naruto was fully awake, and thoroughly bruised.

To make up for the little mishap, Lee brought him a large cup of steaming ramen and grinned nervously, a few cuts of his own marring his, err, youthful features.

"You'll have to forgive me for misjudging you, Naruto-kun. I wasn't aware of the fact that you just weren't a morning person. TenTen has the same problem, so I should have known. I should run five-hundred laps around the village for making such a terrible mistake. What do you think?"

Naruto was too busy eating to think.

Half a cup of ramen later, Naruto said, "I've gotten better, haven't I?" The last time he tried to knock Lee around, he got his butt whooped. "Next time, I'm going to defeat you."

Forgetting all about the self-discipline he thought to inflict upon himself, Lee grinned and said, "I look forward to challenging you in the future, then."

They would have proceeded to jabber along like old pals, but one look at the clock and Lee bolted himself upright, nearly knocking the table over in the process.

"Naruto, you must prepare for our journey immediately! Time is wasting!"

Naruto's face scrunched with confusion as he placed down his now empty cup of noodles. "Where are we going again?"

"Sunagakure! Per request of the Kazekage himself," said Lee, as if he weren't repeating himself for the third time. He proceeded to describe the mission in detail, and now that Naruto was actually listening, he was glowing with excitement. It'd been awhile since he last saw Gaara. In truth, he wanted to save meeting his friend again for the day he became Hokage. He had it all planned out in his head, those two standing together in their robes and hats, Naruto's arm around the other boy's shoulder as he informed residents of Suna AND Konoha that they were standing before the two greatest leaders in the history of their villages. Gaara would actually be smiling, and afterwards they'd both have plenty of pretty girls feeding them ramen. Gaara could definitely use a pretty girlfriend.

"Gaara-kun is your friend, isn't he, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto's face broke into a very wide grin. "Of course! You saw how I saved his butt that one time, and when I become Hokage, we're going to be like brothers and have the strongest alliance ever. Nobody will be able to touch us." Naruto laughed. "I'm the coolest friend he's got."

Another shoulder slap and glinty grin combo came his way from Lee. The older boy couldn't be happier to hear those words come from Naruto's mouth. "Well said! Please prepare as quickly as you can, and don't forget to bring warm clothes. We'll reach the desert by nightfall, if you can keep up with my speed."

"I'll totally own your speed, fuzzy eyebrows! I'll be shaking hands with Gaara by the time you're done eating my dust!"

One hour later, Naruto was all packed and ready for Suna. Lee, eager to get going as quickly as he could, returned to his apartment with Shikamaru on tow. Trips to and fro the sand-strewn oven that was Suna was Lee's favorite way to train, apparently. Even Shikamaru, in all his nonchalant glory, had a hint of excitement in his bored looking eyes. It didn't take a genius to figure out why, thought Naruto with a snicker. There was a certain tall, blond, fan-wielding kunoichi probably ready and waiting for them at Suna's entrance.

There were supposed to be four of them going, Naruto recalled, and yet Shikamaru was the only one standing beside Lee. Before Naruto could even ask, Lee lead the Chuunin out the door in a rush and explained.

"Hokage-sama wanted you and myself to head out to Suna specifically, Naruto-kun. I thought it fair for you to invite the last person to accompany us."

Naruto would have chosen Sasuke in a flash, but there were several problems with that. Sasuke was not an elite ninja; in fact, as far as Dead Lasts in his graduating class went, Naruto was only second to the last remaining Uchiha, who at this point in time was merely a Genin (they had the wonderful Orochimaru to thank for that one.) In other words, it would take a significant amount of argument and bottles of sake to get the old hag to agree. Even Naruto knew this.

Second of all, Sasuke was acting strange the previous night. He came in, punched Naruto awake, and then he just sat there, staring into space. He was shaking a little bit, but that's nothing a little cold air billowing in through the window couldn't cause. Naruto gave the other boy a few pats on the shoulder to get his attention, only to freak him out entirely. Next thing he knew, Sasuke was gone.

Naruto suddenly wasn't sure if it was a good idea to leave Konoha. Then again, it was only a month. Hell, maybe Sasuke'll finally find himself a girl to make babies with and stop acting all weird.

"Yosh!" said Naruto, slamming his fist into his palm.

"Have you thought of someone to accompany us?" asked Lee.

Naruto grinned. "Not at all."

And thus came the sweat drops of WTF.

T B C


	7. Not Obsessed

Much of Naruto's contemplation on which non-Sasuke shinobi to drag along to The Sand with him and the gang consisted of, well, him constantly reminding himself that Sasuke wasn't an option. It was that bastard's own damn fault, so he could stay in Konoha and suffer. He liked to wallow in misery by himself anyway, and girls found it hot for some reason. Naruto would have placed all his chips on the table and wagered that at least five ladies would be willingly knocked up with an Uchiha heir by the time he got back, but Sasuke was so picky. The if-it-sucks-air-and-it's-female-he-wants-nothing-to-do-with-it kind of picky at that, but Naruto still had faith in the guy. Sort of.

It was time to get serious, now.

"Naruto-kun, we haven't got much time. Please, if I may make a suggestion-"

The next thing he knew, they were at Sakura's door. Or Naruto was, at least, while the rest stood far behind. It was _'his choice'_ albeit Lee's suggestion, and Naruto only went along with it because he didn't know what else to do. If she agreed to come, then that would bring down the amount of girls in Naruto's non-wager by one. Maybe two; Sakura could have always had twins. And why stop at twins? There was one lady in Konoha who had up to seven kids at once one time. One who has nothing better to do in his childhood than to spring havoc amidst a village who hates him learns the strangest things.

He was drawn from his thoughts by a familiar wave of repressed fury on the other side of the door. It was like a bomb with a burnt out fuse the moment before it explodes. Not quite hell-raising, not quite pleasant, very scary.

It was a mood that was uniquely Sakura. 

"H-hey, Sakura."

He wanted to run for his life. Instead, he gathered the nerve to explain the situation, only adding things about how nice the weather was and scratching behind his head a few (hundred) times. Sakura didn't look pleased.

Naruto swallowed. "So, will you come?"

She took two, maybe one-and-a-half seconds to think about it.

"Absolutely not!" was her answer to Naruto's request. After all, they caught her at her worst time. She was dressed merely in a blue bathrobe with curlers in her hair and a green cleansing mask (which got a good scream out of Naruto the first time he'd ever seen her like that, earning him a good punch in the jaw in return.) Had Lee not intervened and apologized profusely for the rudeness and disturbing her at such a delicate hour as this, they may have all been done for. By the time Lee had tears running down his cheeks, Sakura sighed and slammed the door behind her.

"Give me five minutes," she grumbled.

Twenty minutes later, she emerged fully dressed and pampered with a mug of coffee in hand. She looked like a human being, much to Naruto's relief. There were only two times Sakura looked like a monster ready to bite his head off: in the morning, and when she was angry. Put the two of them together and Yondaime have mercy!

"Ready to go, Sakura- _chyyyan_?" Naruto pumped his fist up and winked, to which she promptly ignored. All of her focus was on Lee at the moment. Yeah, sure, Lee always gets all the attention. Even after all these years those eyebrows were still pretty hard to get used to.

"Will you help me gather my things, Lee-san?"

Lee looked as if he couldn't be happier. With a salute, he said, "Sakura-san, it is my honor and duty to assist you in any way I possibly can! Please lead the way."

Little did Lee know he'd be helping her pack half her bedroom. He was more than happy to carry her things along with his, insisting that it would only aid in building his physical strength and spirit. Of course, who was she to refuse such an offer? He seemed to want to carry them more than she wanted him to.

They did a thorough brush of the room, taking extra care not to miss anything she may need for the mission. After all, it was a month away from home. Lee wouldn't want her getting homesick if there was even one more thing in her room she could bring to keep that from happening.

That's when he opened the wrong drawer.

_Blink. Blink. EEEAK!_

About five seconds too late, Sakura bolted forward and shoved the drawer shut with her hip. "What're you digging through a lady's drawers for without her permission for, huh?"

Lee's face sank into a ghastly shade of white, and then a violent shade of purple once he was in the middle of apologizing for the wrong he had committed and all the ways he was going to make up for in on the trip to Suna.

"-How could you ever forgive me, though my intentions were not in the least bit perverse. You- I- that one over there is your underwear drawer, so I assumed the others would be safe. I shouldn't have. I-"

"Lee-san!" Sakura slapped him square across the face, not because she was angry, but because she thought he'd never breathe again if she didn't. It took a moment for him to gather his barings, but once she had his undivided attention, she sighed. "It's all right. It's not your fault. Just-" Her half-lidded eyes trailed toward the banging and yelling from the door, which was Naruto most likely assuming Lee was messing with her personal attire because he was rooting for her to smack him silly. Sakura blushed and turned her gaze back to Lee. "-don't mention anything to Naruto about it, or anyone at that."

Lee looked befuddled for a moment, and then dead serious. "Your secret is safe with me, Sakura-san. But if you don't mind my asking... it's none of my business, but... " he was blushing now, every bit as embarrassed as Sakura was when she first feasted eyes on the offending content in that particular drawer.

"It was Sai's disgusting idea of a good birthday gift," she said with a pout. She half-expected Lee to ask why she didn't just burn the drawing or something. She often wondered that herself.

"Oh, did you receive the birthday card I sent you by any chance? I wanted to deliver it to you personally, but I was on a very important mission with Gai-sensei-not that your birthday isn't important, because I most certainly put all of my heart and effort into finding you the perfect-"

But the subject change was most welcome.

All packed and ready to head off, Naruto couldn't help but take one last peek at Konoha's gates that were fading into the horizon behind them.

He thought of Sasuke again. Of course, it wasn't weird for him to think about his teammate. Naruto wouldn't be surprised if that boy crossed his mind every single day since way back before he could even remember. Sasuke's personality and attitude were about as nice as explosive diarrhea, and twice as frustrating! Naruto's gut boiled with all kinds of things when he thought of Sasuke. Same thing happened when he thought of ramen, sort of, except ramen was much nicer. Mmm, ramen.

"Naruto, don't fall behind," Sakura called out. He hadn't realized he'd stopped until he noticed how far away his group was.

"Aye, I knew dragging his ass along would be troublesome," murmured Shikamaru. He looked thrilled as always, frowning in an exasperated manner as if he'd rather be doing anything else in the world but this, all because he couldn't wait to see, oh, whasherface. Gaara's sister. Everyone and their dog knew that. Seriously. Just ask Pakkun.

Naruto caught up, choosing to push Sasuke far from his mind, or at least attempting to. Sasuke wasn't worthy of having every part of the future Hokage's brain occupied, especially after last night. He felt kind of bad that he'd left without saying good-bye at least, but Sasuke was a big boy. He'd live.

The question at hand was this: Would Naruto?

T B C


	8. What is Love (baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no m... -shot-

_Hello, dear friends, and welcome to another inspired episode of_ Sasuke-chan in Angst Land _. This is the return of your good ol' pal Bob the Brain, whom you all love and adore so much. It was hard receiving all the fan mail through Sasuke's thick skull without him noticing, but if he weren't currently infatuated with Uzumaki Dobe it may have just been impossible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart (yes, somehow, brains have hearts, too.)_

_Speaking of which, exactly one week ago Sasuke found himself in front of Naruto's door, only to find that he had gone. Next, he went to that Sakura chick's house to see if she knew where the ass was. She was gone, too. Kakashi told him they wouldn't be around for awhile; they were on some mission in the Wind Country and wouldn't be back for a month. Sasuke felt horribly out of the loop, poor woobie. Someone give him a cookie to keep him from bitching, eh?_

_He's been so quiet lately, angsting and brooding by the lake, and I swear if Itachi's name crosses me again just to cover what he really wants to think about, I will fart out a tumor so bad the medics will have to shave his head to get rid of it. He's such a brat._

_Anyway, the saga will continue upon Naruto's return. For my sake, I hope Sasuke comes to terms with being the gayest gay that ever gayed, save for maybe that Gai-sensei dude, because dayyyyamn! 'Nuff said._

_'Til we meet again, ladies and, hey, are there any guys reading this?_

Sakura found that being swayed into coming back to this shithole desert was the worst thing she had ever done. If she perspired one more drop she swore she'd make Naruto drink it. So far, all he's done is gone and made a useless ass of himself. In fact, every time she thought he was going to do something cool she turned up sorely disappointed. She should know never to set any standards for Naruto.

Well, okay, a Naruto who goes and makes an ass of himself is a normal thing. However, they were here on important business and, at the moment, she was stuck babysitting Lee's unconscious body and checking constantly to make sure the bleeding in his nose really had stopped. It really had been a disaster.

Each of them played a role in aiding in the improvement of the Kazekage's current form. Shikamaru shared some basics in tactical fighting, and it turns out that Gaara's pretty clever, having out-maneuvered the Shadow Possession as long as he had in a practice battle. Next, Sakura gave Gaara some tips in chakra control seeing as he, much like Naruto, could be a bit reckless and lose his temper in battle. She taught him how to scare of his enemies with his power without even having to break a sweat. He was also quite good at that. Then, as expected, Lee stepped in and got Gaara into Taijutsu, which none of them had ever seen before. His reflexes were quite good; it was almost as if he'd never lost Shukaku, given how efficient he was at putting up his sand barrier. It cost him chakra, though, so he was encouraged to dodge and block, as well. Lee spent quite a bit of time with Gaara, actually.

Of course, Naruto wasn't about to let Lee hog all of his Gaara time, and insisted that the two of them needed to train in private. Sakura didn't have a good feeling about that.

Turns out, Sakura was absolutely correct in not having a good feeling. How did she know Naruto was going to pull something stupid? Just _how_ did she know?

She discovered Gaara's new 'Ultimate Defense' during one of his and Lee's daily spars. Gaara seemed reluctant, giving Naruto a few odd glares before performing a seal she never imagined Sabaku no _GAARA_ of all people using. To add insult to injury, Temari and Kankuro had to be around to see it, and boy were they surprised.

Lee seemed to freeze in mid air, as if he were about to launch an attack and suddenly forgot what arms and legs were. Gaara stood below him, glaring up in a very, well, Gaara way, except there was one huge different.

Gaara had transformed into a girl. A naked girl. A _very_ naked girl. A very busty and beautiful naked girl. A girl Lee landed right on top of, and if there were any new arrivals to their audience of five, it wouldn't be a far off guess to suggest that something very indecent were about to take place in this arena.

A few painful seconds passed before Gaara peeled Lee's bloody, unconscious face from _'her'_ ample breasts, then _'she'_ transformed back to normal and stood, completely unperturbed, quite unlike his audience, frozen and stunned to silence. Temari didn't know what was worse, o'woman hating Shikamaru passing out bloody-nosed because of this, or _Kankuro_ , Gaara's own brother! Naruto was laughing his sweet little ass off, an ass that would be black and blue all over when Sakura got to him.

"Naruto, that was stupid, " said Gaara, frowning down at some of the blood that leaked through his shirt. At least he had half a brain in his skull to realize that. "Why did you tell me to do that?"

It seemed Naruto was too busy choking on his own laughter to respond. Sakura had enough of the sound, so she punched his face right into the ground and gave him a nose bleed the good old fashioned way. That was only the beginning, though.

As she proceeded to beat the snot out of her stupid team mate, she turned to Gaara and urged him to never use that technique again, to forget it if he could, and to apologize to his siblings for making such a shocking spectacle. He didn't argue. He just picked up Lee's unconscious body and the pair were swept away in a whirl of sand.

Now, not an hour later, this is where Sakura found Lee, in the medical ward. She never thought him to be a pervert. Of course, she couldn't say she didn't sympathize. After all, there was still a certain framed drawing of Sai's burning a hole in one of her packs. She wondered how Sasuke was doing, all alone and probably bored out of his mind without Naruto around to annoy him.

"H-hey, Sakura-san, is that you?" said Lee, and she was relieved to find signs of life at last. He must have taken to the naked female body the way he did to alcohol (which she heard was a disaster.) Yeah, that's it! Lee wasn't a pervert, he was just sensitive. Lee was too wonderful to be a true perv.

"Yeah, how do you feel?"

"... Was that really Gaara?"

"Unfortunately. Naruto taught him a few dirty tricks, I suppose," she grumbled, thinking back to Naruto whom she punished thoroughly, and was now laying next door in so much pain, undoubtedly. If he was going to pull this crap he should have thought twice before asking Sakura to come. The incessant heat and limit on shower time was already bad enough, thank you oh so much. "He probably just misses Sasuke and is taking it out on us."

Lee smiled, and clutched his forehead when he sat up a bit too fast, probably a headache from all the blood loss. She rested a palm on top of his forehead and let her powers work their magic. She knew he couldn't stand to lay around any longer than necessary.

"Ah, much better. Thank you so much, Sakura-san."

He reached up perhaps to grasp her hand, but stopped midway to rub the back of his head. He was blushing. "I suppose you think I'm just a pervert now, I... "

"You suppose wrong," said Sakura, motioning for him to stand. He did, and now they were on their way out of the medical ward. There was no reason to hang around this dull place anymore. Not to mention, after she'd saved Kankuro, not a doctor here would argue with her if she said everything was under control. Lee would be just fine.

"Sakura-san, my, err, weakness at the arena. It hasn't disturbed you at all?"

Sakura shrugged. "No more than all the stupid times I've seen Naruto pull that stunt. He is unbelievable sometimes."

"But... "

"But... but nothing, Lee-san. Shh. No, you won't do five hundred laps around the village blindfolded! You had a... moment. Even I've got mine... " and she blushed, once again thinking of the Evil Drawing. Oh yeah, she had hers all right.

Gaara chose to appear out of nowhere at that moment, and where he said nothing pertaining to the earlier incident, she supposed inviting Lee to lunch with him was his way of apologizing. She'd been invited as well, by Lee, and she just might have accepted if that flash of disappointment in Gaara's eyes hadn't crossed her's. Oooh, so _that's_ how it was.

She bopped herself on the head a few times as they left. No, that's not how it really was. For the love of... not _all_ guys could be like, like...

Ah crap, was she really ready to admit to herself that Sasuke and Naruto were...

Well, in any case, that Kankuro had sure become handsome. Just what was _he_ doing this evening, she wondered.

T B C


	9. The Oasis of Love and Youth and ZOMG NINJA ... yeah

For a seemingly dreary place such as the desert, Rock Lee couldn't help but appreciate a conveniently located place of beauty. He was currently in a pub on the far west corner of the village with Gaara, and the view from the window was fantastic. For miles and miles there was a sea of sand that glowed orange in to setting sun, silhouettes of mountains off in the distance, and the glimmer of a far-off oasis. He hadn't anticipated appreciating the beauty of this country now, after having seen it several times on various missions.

Albeit entranced by the view, Lee had an excellent set of ears. Even in this state he could hear a pin drop, but Gaara was just one of those Shinobi who was naturally more silent than, well, silence itself. If anyone could make that possible, Gaara could. It was easy to forget his presence when he wasn't the least bit threatening, hence the reason a startled Lee snapped his head from the window the moment the Kazekage said something.

"Mostly young Shinobi come here, so no one should be disturbed by my presence," said Gaara, his voice distant as the mountains beyond the sand. That drew Lee's attention away from the view, but he found he was unable to say anything. There wasn't a whole lot he knew about Gaara, only that somewhere inside this respectable, albeit frightfully lethal Shinobi was a good person. Heck, just being a good person was always enough to win Lee over, but Gaara wasn't just that. Better yet, Gaara was a hero, and in so many ways. Lee just knew there was much to admire about the man sitting in front of him, yet so much of that was shrouded in mystery, possibly overridden by some of Gaara's less... pleasant deeds. Deeds that no longer even applied!

Gaara and he had never had the opportunity to meet in such an intimate way. He felt honored that Gaara would bring him out here. This was Lee's chance to get to know all kinds of new and exciting things about this dear friend and savior of his. Why, if he couldn't learn ten, no, thirty new things about Gaara, he'd...

"Lee," said Gaara. "You seem lost in thought. I hope my presence isn't disturbing you."

Lee's former train of thought died with that.

"No! I mean, there's nothing disturbing about you... " said Lee, earning him a glance that suggested he'd lost his brain. Oh, yeah. Gaara kinda used to be evil, but. "At least, not anymore... I mean... "

The only waitress bold enough to step up to Gaara's table chose that very moment to hand out menus. It was a good save, but Lee still felt a bit jumbled on the inside. Must be the heavy presence Gaara seemed to exude.

Although, Lee never did take into account that some of the restaurant's patrons may be wondering how eyebrows got as big as his, but he'd grown so immune to THOSE kinds of stares that he didn't even notice them when they were there. Thus, all the scrutiny went on Gaara. Yeah, but Gaara was Kazekage. A little scrutiny wouldn't hurt him.

A cold silence seemed to wash over them after they ordered their meals, and Lee had to wonder, why did Gaara choose this place to dine? Why a public restaurant? An inexpensive one at that. Why, as Kazekage he must have his own cooks, or something. This seemed a little odd. After all, it wasn't every day you saw Tsunade-sama at a dango stand, so what was this all about?

Just as he was about to ask, Gaara cut off his train of thought with a more broad, but odd question. "What do you think of love?"

"Love?!"

Lee didn't know why that brought such a blush to his face. Oh, but of course because love was only the world's most beautiful thing. The blooming of the Lotus in the Springtime of Youth. Beautiful, sweet love, when two people are joined by the pull of one another's hearts, when bees buzz and birds sing, flowers bloom and rivers flow, and all is right with the world. Love. Love was...

"Yes, talk to me about love," said Gaara.

That brilliant train of thought Lee had going on had suddenly been successfully trashed again by Gaara. What could he possibly want to know about love? Maybe he'd found a nice girl in the village and didn't know how to approach her. That Matsuri girl Lee'd seen floating around was awfully nice, and Gaara seemed fond of her. Or maybe he's been unable to express his love for his family throughout the years, but Lee always imagined that familial love, especially sibling love, often went without saying. But did Gaara understand that? Or was he... oh, Lee sure hoped Gaara didn't fancy Sakura. That'd get real ugly, real fast, considering how close she was with Sasuke and Naruto. When it came to Team 7, the village placed two bets: Which Would Sakura Kill First, and Which Would Sakura Kiss First. Lee thought that was rather inappropriate, but everyone else just seemed to run with it. Neji and TenTen both think Sakura will do away with both of them, and grow into a bitter, lonely old hag like Tsunade-sama. Sometimes Lee doesn't like his teammates very much.

"Did you hear me, Lee?"

"O-oh, yes. I got lost in thought again," said Lee.

"I didn't ask you to think, I asked you to talk."

Lee frowned, Well, that was rude. Gaara still maintained those same kinds of composed, curt remarks that he showed that one time he spoke ill of Gai-sensei. Since then, that particular tone and attitude could really ride on Lee's nerves.

"It's not an easy thing to talk about, so I had to think," said Lee.

"Why?"

Blink. "Wh... ?"

"Why isn't it easy to talk about?"

Dumbfounded, Lee now had to think of how to answer that one. "I... um... it just is! Isn't, sorry. Some things are like that."

"Then try. I know you like to be challenged," said Gaara, shoulders hunched back, eyes narrow, arms crossed. His posture demanded an answer more than his words.

Well, if that's how it had to be, Lee would gush every inkling of heart and soul into his thoughts on love. Funny how, in front of Gaara, Sakura's name didn't pass his lips once. Huh, that was weird, but the rest of it was brilliant. Indeed, Lee's rambles of Youth, and Beauty, and the like ended up gathering a great audience, and just as quickly as they attached themselves to his passionate speech, they retreated, and the cook even complained that they were losing customers because of him, but didn't dare do or say more with the Kazekage sitting across from him.

At the end of it all, Lee cried. He was so happy. This is exactly how Gai-sensei would have spoken of Love, and-and OH if Gai-sensei were here, they would share the most wonderful, youthful manly embrace to awe this entire restaurant, NO, this entire village! The village would be enchanted with the power of their Youth.

The best part was, Gaara hung onto every word of the speech. Oh, he knew he'd found a good friend in Gaara if he could appreciate the beauty of exuberance.

"... interesting," said Gaara. 

"Isn't love amazing?" asked Lee, still in such a high from his speech that he hadn't noticed that the bold waitress's giggle as she returned with their food. He also didn't notice the trio that entered the restaurant just then. He was too busy leaning his face into his palms, fantasizing, not staring at anything really, though he was sitting right in front of Gaara...

"I should have asked you to make sense of love because none of what you said made any sense."

Lee shot straight up from his seat and laid down the law!

"That's the beauty of it! Love doesn't have to make sense." Lee's bandaged arms reached over and clutched each of Gaara's shoulders as tightly as they could, and if you didn't know any better you could swear his eyes were burning with passion. A normal person would have found this outburst creepy, yet Gaara just sat and listened to Lee blather on some more. "Don't you see? It's the most natural, most beautiful feeling two people share for one another... "

He promptly ignored the cook who yelled _'We know! We heard!'_ from the back.

"What else could love possibly be, Gaara?" said Lee. It was hard to tell whether Lee's eyes, or Lee's words gushed more passion.

"Kankuro said it was dates and stuff, like what we're doing now." It was about then that Lee came crashing out of his elated stupor, and back down to his chair he plopped. Well, he'd need a moment or two to rebuild his brain before wrapping it around THAT one.

Of course, life never granted a moment or two. The trio about to take the seat at the both behind all picked the wrong moment to walk in on THAT conversation.

"DATE?!" blurted Lee, as did Sakura, Kankuro, and Naruto simultaneously. All eyes were now on Gaara, and were he any other person in the world, any other at all, this situation may call for him to feel even the slightest urge to coil up underneath the table and wish to be sucked through the floor, but no. This was Gaara, ever so shameless off the battle field.

"Yes," said Gaara, unable to make sense of anyone's limp jaws, or googly-eyes. This was exactly what Kankuro said a date was, so he thought it ought to be painfully obvious to all of them, especially Kankuro. "And from what I understand, a date between two people doesn't call for uninvited guests."

"How could we possibly NOT come over here, kid? Bob-cut there was spooging nonsense at the top of his lungs. People on the streets said it was a gas," said Kankuro, not seeming nearly as surprised about this as the others. It helped that he knew Gaara quite a bit better, being his brother and all. Oh maybe he just wasn't seeing what everyone else was seeing.

"We were having a discussion about love," said Gaara.

And then Kankuro shut up again. Oh. Apparently whatever he'd been thinking, or hoping, was wrong. Well, no need to make a Coming Out party out of this if you asked him. He'd... go... somewhere, and forget this ever happened for now. He'd forget because he didn't want to know. This was all Gaara's business. Gaara could deal with it.

Lee would get up and say "It's not what it looks like!" but knew that wouldn't convince anyone. Sitting there in frozen, perturbed silence wasn't going to convince anyone, either, but saying "It's not what it looks like!" wouldn't even give him a chance to save himself. Oh, what would Gai-sensei do in this situation?

Act calm. Stay cool. And just... just...

"Lee-san, you're gay?" said Sakura.

Why did Sakura of all people have to...

"HA! I knew it. You owe me a bowl of Ramen, Sakura-chan!" said Naruto, pointing and laughing as he often did in any awkward situation (one that wasn't awkward for HIM, that is.) Oh, great, people were now making bets about him! This situation couldn't possibly get any more embarrassing.

Sakura punched Naruto in the head. "You KNOW I didn't agree to that bet, moron!"

"But you almost did!"

CRACKPUNCH.

"Oww!"

Gaara's gaze narrowed on everyone, suggesting that his mood was now riding on dangerous. "You three are making Lee uncomfortable. Go away."

Riding on dangerous wasn't enough to make them leave right away, though. Gaara had just become soft like that, not that he considered that a good thing in this situation. Well, actually it was. Shukaku would have readily suggested that it be let out to Kill, and Gaara would have been tempted. Oh would he have been tempted.

"Well," said Sakura. "If you two are busy on your... date, I suppose we can't ask you to babysit this." She held Naruto up with two fingers by the collar of his jacket. Her being constantly driven to abuse him was really starting to take its toll.

"WE'D BE HAPPY TO!" Lee blurted out, and if those were Lee's wishes then Gaara wasn't going to complain. She was glad, too, because she had her own date to get to and Naruto was interrupting it.

"Thanks, Lee-san. BEHAVE, Naruto."

And then she and Kankuro were gone, hopefully not off to discuss this. Lee still couldn't bring himself to say this wasn't a date, or why Gaara mistakenly believed that it was. Even though the view was nice, the restaurant was lovely (the curry was to die for), and he'd just made the world's best speech about Love out of nowhere...

Crap.

There's no way this wasn't a date.

Lee'd just had his first date with Sabaku no Gaara of all people, in the similar kind of stupid, accidental way that Naruto had his first kiss with Sasuke; however, Lee couldn't find it in himself to be remotely disgusted, or even disappointed. After all, he wasn't one to hold a grudge, and Gaara wasn't the world's most renowned social genius. How was he to know that... no, it was physically possible for two men to go out on a date, Lee supposed, and there was nothing wrong with that. No. Absolutely not! If Gai-sensei frowned down upon the narrow-minded, then so would Lee! If Gaara chose to date men, it was in his right to do so! But for the life of him, Lee couldn't figure out why Gaara had chosen _him_ of all people. If anything, Naruto seemed like a...

Speaking of Naruto, Lee just had to remember that picture he ran into in Sakura's room before the trip. Well, no, Naruto didn't seem like a very good candidate after all. He seemed far too infatuated with Sasuke. Everybody knew that.

Well, that's it, then. That was Lee's first date. He couldn't wait to tell Gai-sensei all about it! About the speech, and the food, and the oasis. Even though the one he was with wasn't... ideal. Oh well. There was always the Second Date, which he probably wouldn't be spending with Sakura.

Aww. Lee took a few moments to brood. Naruto and Gaara just watched.

"Ne, Gaara," said Naruto, sticking himself into the seat right next to him. "This your first date?"

"Yes," said Gaara, narrowing his eyes just the slightest bit. "And you all interrupted it."

"Man, it's not my fault! Sakura's with that face-paint guy, your brother, and I don't trust him with her!" said Naruto, pointing his finger emphatically at the booth all the way on the other side of the restaurant.

"You can trust Kankuro. I trust him more than anyone."

Naruto grumbled. "... just sayin' that 'cause he's your brother."

"Why would I say that just because he's my brother?

"Naruto, I can't say I understand your concern, but could you leave us? I'm becoming annoyed by all these interruptions."

"Yeah, sure, in a minute. I got stuff to say, though," said Naruto. Seeing Lee and Gaara like this sort of reminded him of Sasuke, that time at the Ramen stand where neither of them would bite that noodle. It made him think stuff, like...

Like...

"Then say it and leave," said Gaara. You know things were getting ugly when the sand in the floor cracks started sizzling beneath their feet. More people left.

"Hold on. Um, yeah. Sasuke," said Naruto, and he seemed to be thinking hard about something so simple. Like Sasuke. Yeah, Sasuke. And?

The name Sasuke roused Lee out of brooding. In fact, he seemed to know something that Naruto didn't, but he had to be courteous and keep his mouth shut. After all, proper gentlemen don't interrupt others in awkward situations.

"Sasuke... he's... "

"He's what?" said Gaara.

"Sasuke is... "

"You can say it, Naruto-kun," said Lee, prepared to offer his friend any support he could, despite having his own awkward situation to deal with along with it.

Of course, Naruto didn't take the route with this that he'd intended, not that he knew what he'd intended. He sucked at figuring out his own feelings.

"Sasuke is... he's... A DOUCHE-BAG."

And that was how Naruto failed at his very first attempt to admit that he wanted Sasuke.

T B C


	10. Icha Icha Breeding For Dummies

Sasuke's brain was a very mean thing. In fact, if Sasuke didn't know any better, he'd say his brain were a real person; a person that wasn't him. He wondered if perhaps he should get his head examined.

He had about three and a half weeks of Naruto-free peace and quiet. Not that that was such a bad thing. Brooding by the river happened to be his favorite hobby, though being interrupted by Naruto was always one of the best parts... maybe. Oh well. It was good that he had some time to himself to mull over his own thoughts and feelings. He'd even gone as far as to ask Tsunade-sama if there was any way to restore his clan that didn't involve screwing a bunch of girls. That sent her into an uproar of laughter. Then she told him to come back when she was sober. Shizune wasn't too happy with her, and if you thought she was pissed, you should have seen the look on Sasuke's face! His village was run by _THAT?!_

Eh, could've been worse. Apparently Sunagakure was run by Sabaku no Gaara. What a joke! An alcoholic as one leader and a murderous freak as another (horrible memories weren't going to permit him to think of Gaara as _'former'_ murderous freak like everyone else did.) A war was bound to break out eventually! Oh well. It'd give his kids something to do, granted he had some within this century.

Well, since Tsunade was about as useful as a broken limb, he supposed he had to start wracking up candidates for potential mothers, now that Naruto wasn't around to... distract him. Here's the thing, though. None of these girls struck his fancy! They weren't ugly, per se, nor were they stupid, but some of them... just, no. He took one look at Ino's flower shop and ran. He eventually ended up by the gates of the Hyuuga Clan, and knew one daughter of the head of the clan was a relatively shy girl around his age. From what he gathered, she was awfully weak for a Hyuuga, and he figured that there had to be a pretty good reason for the Uchiha Clan to have broken away from this one. Sasuke didn't really know the politics of it and he didn't want to find out. This wasn't happening.

Although, there was that awfully pretty caged bird that... no, wait. Neji was a guy. _D'oh!_

Anyway, Sakura. Aside from the obvious reason that she wasn't here right now, she was, as usual, a no go, simply because... because Sasuke said so, damn it! He liked Sakura, but he didn't _like_ her. Ever. Not to mention she probably didn't feel like breeding at this age, and she was his friend. It'd just be weird.

Suddenly thinking back to Neji now, there was a girl on his team. She was awfully plain looking, though, from what Sasuke could recall. Bah, it didn't pay to be picky. He'd simply have to ask her.

_Right._

Because girls found _'Heey, whatsyourface, will you bear my children plzkthx?'_ horribly attractive. Sasuke wouldn't do it because... because it's something Naruto would do! Sasuke prided himself in having more common sense than at least _Naruto_! Not that having common sense was going to restore his clan. Suspecting that he was probably G-A-Y bi-curious also wasn't making this situation any easier.

He missed Naruto... sort of.

A lot.

But he wasn't going to admit that to himself, though he kinda just did. Oh well, he could always selectively forget that this session of brooding ever happened. There were some scenes in his mind where Itachi's death didn't go as planned, thus Sasuke would forcefully forget them and instead think of his brother's head roasting on an open fire. Then that burning cranium would explode, and a bunch of random, giggling school children would show up and go _'Pop goes the weasel!'_ Sometimes, Sasuke loved having a sick, twisted mind.

It probably wasn't healthy to be taking pleasure in Itachi's death long after, well, Itachi's death; however, he owed a world of hell and suffering to his shit-faced bastard of a brother, so he'd take as much pleasure as he wanted.

That's what was wrong with him! Sasuke'd sought pleasure in the thought of his brother's death for so long that his body completely forgot how to be sexually aroused near women!

Yeah, women. He's gotten pretty hard near Naruto, though. Wait, no, there was... nah. That didn't count. Even though Sakura had been getting naked, Naruto dominated that memory.

Sasuke squinted and blinked a few times, taking a gaze down at his reflection in the water. Somehow, this stupid little bridge was starting to lose its appeal. He could no longer see Itachi's reflection in his own, so there was no use throwing stones at it. The difference was that Sasuke just wasn't evil. Tried as he did, he just wasn't evil. He may have betrayed his village and joined sides with the enemy at one point, but he had no intention of taking his power and using it against his home. Konoha was his home, no matter how many dirty looks he may be shot on a regular basis, no matter how empty it felt here without his parents, his clan, his team. Naruto.

_Shit._

Naruto wasn't gonna stop invading his mind, was he?

A fine mess Uchiha Sasuke had gotten himself into this time.

\---

"Don't ask me any questions. If I choose to speak, all I need you to do is listen."

"All right," said Kakashi, thumbing through his book as he and his former student trekked through the deserted back roads of Konoha. It didn't seem like Kakashi was was in the mood to listen to what anyone had to say, especially since he was on Chapter 19. One of the best parts was coming up, hehehe. As any good Jounin instructor fortunate enough to have a good old friend back, Kakashi was all ears for the boy who chose to confide in him. Who knows? Sasuke may have even have something more juicy and entertaining to say than his book. Not likely, but...

"There's something wrong with me."

Kakashi was listening, but he could've fooled anyone, buried in that book as his nose was. Having his attention divided so evenly between his book and Sasuke was no problem at all, though. He was a skilled man, that Kakashi.

"I need to restore my clan," said Sasuke, as if Kakashi had never heard that one before. Kakashi flipped a page in _Icha Icha_ and kept walking along. If the younger boy didn't know any better, he'd say he were being ignored, but this was Kakashi. This was just how he was.

"Mmm, interesting," said Kakashi, and you could almost see the mischievous smile in his eye. Whether he was talking to the book, or Sasuke, or both, the world may never know.

"But I have... girl issues?"

"Plenty of girls are after you. Pick one."

Again, Sasuke couldn't tell whether Kakashi was speaking to him or the book, but now you could see the laughter in the man's eye. What the hell was his deal, anyway?

Sasuke chose to approach this remark as if Kakashi had been speaking to him. "I can't just pick one. What if I pick the wrong one! I refuse to have offspring with-with pink hair, distorted limbs, or Nar... _err_ ," said Sasuke, a blush he thought he'd ditched for good now making itself know. Damn it! Boys his age don't blush! This is nonsense. Madness! He... just wasn't raised right, that's all. Itachi's fault once again!

He had to check around the corner for fangirls, too. Sasuke plus Blush equals Dogpile, or in his case Angstophile pile. It even rhymed.

Kakashi flipped on through his book. Well, at least one of them was taking his dilemma lightly.

"Actually," Sasuke went on, deciding that if he didn't at least say what was on his mind, it was going to be more difficult to figure out in the long run. "It's not that I don't want just any girl."

"It's that you don't want any girl, period," said Kakashi. Every drop of blood in Sasuke's blood froze. He was really going to say that? Well, it sounded... it sounded exactly right. And there was nothing wrong with that! Plenty of guys didn't want to commit themselves to a life of horror, of squealing girls that only wanted him for his good looks and his awesomeness. And what's more, Sasuke had better things to worry about than taking care of a bunch of whiny, pregnant women! Of course he didn't want them! He just wanted the babies! All he needed now was a way to cheat around the commitment, and hopefully even the sex part.

"Yeah, that's exactly right. What do I do?" said Sasuke.

"Ask Tsunade," said Kakashi.

Sasuke pouted. "Already did. She was no help."

"Hmm." And Kakashi finally shut his book and shoved it away into his pocket. The good part was over, so Sasuke was suddenly more interesting.

"Tell me one thing, Sasuke. What role does Naruto play in all this?"

Sasuke's face dropped from a pout to a frown. "I told you not to ask any questions."

"If you can't answer then I can't help you."

As if to take this statement into serious consideration, Sasuke did stop to think for a moment. What role did Naruto play? Well, that's easy. Naruto, as usual, played the pain in the ass that always got in his way! What's more, this time around Sasuke couldn't bring himself to go to great lengths to stop it. He hadn't invested the same amount of devotion toward restoring his clan as he did toward killing Itachi, so separating himself from Naruto again wasn't the answer. At least, not the answer he wanted. He didn't want to hurt his friends with his difficult decisions any longer. However he did this, he'd have to do it with Naruto, even if he was in the way.

"Naruto's a pain in the ass. A moron," said Sasuke.

"And?" said Kakashi.

"And... " and indeed. There was no and, at least, there was no and Sasuke wanted to discuss with Kakashi at the moment. "... and that's it."

"Is it? Or are you just not ready to say what's on your mind?"

Sasuke started to shout. "Stop asking me questions!"

With that, Kakashi lost interest in Sasuke's nonexistent will to speak his mind and went back to his book, this time ignoring him. The boy wasn't ready. He needed more time to brood.

And that was how Sasuke failed at his very first attempt to admit that he wanted Naruto.

T B C


End file.
